I've got (cabin) fever & the only prescription is more cowbell

I'm really going stir crazy with this IBS bullshit. 

I had a nice weekend, going to BBQs on Saturday & Sunday, & then paid for it by having "intestinal distress" (I'm trying to be gracious & ladylike here, we all know what I'm talking about) for two & a half days. My butt can't handle going 10+ times a day. It's not natural!

On top of that, or more accurately because of that, or causing that ... I don't even know anymore ... my anxiety has been through the roof this past month or so. 

Maybe that's a reaction to having been on pain meds for like a month & half dealing with a failed root canal & then the complications that resulted from a difficult tooth extraction. 

Maybe it's just my unusual weird seasonal affective disorder. I've never been diagnosed with it (I just call it that), since I seem to get it in August. Why? Who knows?! Maybe it goes back to the trauma of leaving my high school friends to go to college, maybe it's just my body reacts to the heat by spiraling into anxiety. All I know is every year around August I get in a funk.

Whatever, anyway, I've tried reaching out to my friends, only to realize, now that I'm older I don't have that many friends. Sure I have a large number of people I'm friendly with or I have a shared history with, but real close friends on whom I feel comfortable unloading (& who still live in my area as many friends have moved), I have maybe three. THREE!! Not including my husband. He's his own special category. And guess what? They are busy because they have jobs &/or kids & their own lives & I'm just sitting here at home slowly (or not so slowly) going crazy.

I've taken steps to deal with my isolation. I joined meetup.com & have joined a few groups in my area, in the hopes to meet new people that have shared interests. I'm not even necessarily looking for new friends (though I don't turn away new friends), I'm just looking for a place I can go once a month or so & talk to other people.

I'm also looking for work that is either extremely part time with constant bathroom access (can I put that in the cover letter?) or work at home opportunities (that aren't total scams). I'm also forcing myself to get back into audio engineering (as that was a costly failed experiment & I already feel like a disappointment & a failure regularly without seeing ProTools on my computer or my textbook on the shelf). I'm going to try to push myself in that regard. I need to, it's a huge issue between Pat & I that I got that certificate & then did nothing with it & just thinking about trying AE again makes my breath strained & shallow  but I must prevail. 

What sucks is that people think I'm smart (not a brag, people have said that to me) but when I hear that, my inner voice says, yes but not as smart as X or [vague generalities] are smarter. (That's the sucky part not that I'm smart)

I should (& I hate that word because it's a judgment word & I don't need help judging myself & coming up lacking) be smart enough to do what I put my mind to. It's just really hard for me to get out of my mind's way, if that makes any sense at all.

/end rant.

IBS med & bathroom log

I have been keeping a medicine/bathroom log regarding my IBS-D. If there is interest I would be willing to share that. Basically I keep track of the medicine that I am taking for my IBS as well as a bathroom log keeping track of how often and what type of stools I am producing.

If this would be of help to anyone I would be willing to share it even though it is intensely private.

Feel free to comment so I can gauge if there's interest.

A timeline of Post-Infections IBS...

Collection of posts from Tumblr & Facebook about my IBS (TMI warning), TW: Health issues

Posted on Facebook December 5, 2014

• Entering week four of the stomach bug or GI virus or universe exacting karma on me. So tired of this.

Posted on Facebook December 13, 2014

• I've decided to ask for a referral for a gastroenterologist. I can't deal with this anymore. I'm so miserable.

Posted on Facebook December 18, 2014

• Status update on my health: not celiac. One possibility down...

Posted on Tumblr December 19, 2014

Personal Rant

• So, this has nothing to with Tom Hiddleston or Benedict Cumberbatch or Sherlock or Sherlolly or Star Trek or Loki or any of the things I usually blog about so feel free to ignore, I just need to vent a bit.
• A bit of TMI to follow:
• I’ve been sick since mid November. At first I thought it was a horrible stomach bug, but I didn’t have nausea or vomiting, just… other stuff.
• It’s been over a month & it’s not gone away or gotten any better.
• I’ve had a bunch of blood work & antibiotics & seen specialists & had procedures & now I’m waiting for results. My blood work shows it’s not celiac. From what I’ve researched, I (in my complete lack of medical knowledge) think it’s ulcerative colitis or inflamed bowel syndrome/disease? I dunno. It could be something else entirely. I have to wait for results. 
• This has been one of the worst experiences of my life. And I’ve had some doozies in the past.
• I just want it to be over. I want something, anything, to fix it. I’m so tired of this. I’m so tired. I really can’t take much more of this. But I have no choice but to suffer through & carry on.

Posted on Tumblr December 22, 2014

• I’m so sick, I can’t even drink wine. I think that’s super unfair. At least if I was drunk, maybe I wouldn’t care about being so fucking sick.

Posted on Facebook December 22 2014

• People, I appreciate your asking for my wellbeing. I truly do. I love my friends & family. 
• But please, stop being surprised when I say that I'm not better. I feel horrible enough without having to explain every time about how this process is ongoing. This isn't going to get better soon. The results aren't even back from my tests & procedures. Just wish me well & send me good vibes, thoughts & prayers (please).
• I'm wicked sick. The end.
• - I don't mean to complain, well yeah I do, but I'm exhausted from being sick & super short tempered as well. So apologies for my bitchy post.

Posted on Tumblr December 24, 2015

• Trying to psych myself up to go to a family Xmas Eve get together in a couple of hours.
• Still ill.
• Just the idea of putting on a real bra & a nice shirt & jeans & boots is like way too much for me. Never mind putting on a little mascara so I look less drawn & exhausted, & well, ill.
• If I could go as I’m dressed now, with my long sleeve Patriots Super Bowl Champ (XXXVI - it’s an old, super comfy shirt) t-shirt & my yoga pants & slippers, that would be so much easier. 
• I might just do that.

Posted on Tumblr December 28. 2015

TMI - health issues & grossness. Sorry not sorry.

• Opioid medicines cause constipation. Right now, I’d give my left arm for some constipation. It’s been a month & a half of serious GI issues. No answers yet. I’m so done with this.
• If anyone has any leftover pain meds, I’d love to have them. Seriously.
• I know nothing will come of this. God knows my docs won’t give me any - & I understand why… truly, people abuse them all the time. But I just want to be constipated for a week & give my butt a break.
• Sorry for the bitching. I’m just exhausted by this illness.

Posted on Facebook January 2, 2015

• This is my life right now, (the Bleachers song) I wanna get better. I'm so tired of being ill. And it's not just being sick. It's ill. I'm ill. We use the word 'exhausted' very casually but I am literally exhausted all the time from whatever is plaguing my body.

Posted on Facebook January 15. 2015

• CAT scan today. Hope to find out what's going on with my insides. Stick a fork in me because I AM DONE.

Posted on Tumblr January 20, 2015

My Health Update

• My CT scan showed only minor inflammation. My gastroenterologist believes I have post-infectious IBS. We’re adjusting my medicine & seeing how it goes. 

Posted on Tumblr January 21, 2015

I need to vent

• Quick recap: GI issues since November. Colonoscopy: fine. Blood work: fine. Slight malabsorption indicated. Had CT scan last week, waiting on results, followup with GI doc next week. Taking pancreatic enzyme RX now & probiotics.
• The Rx gives me a headache. It’s a listed side effect. It also says dizziness which I don’t really have but sometimes I do feel light headed even when I’m sitting down.
• Almost everyday, my head aches or is all stabby stabby inside. Plus I’m still suffering, especially at night. I am so fed up with this. I need to feel better soon.
• I’m going crazy.
• My entire life is on hold. I’m on hiatus. All I do is read (which I love but lately my eyes have become itchy & watery & that makes reading less fun) & go to the bathroom.
• ETA: I almost wish (but not really, because ugh, this is already awful) I had more symptoms because then it would be easier to figure out what this is. I’ve looked up Ulcerative colitis, IBS, lactose intolerance, gluten intolerance (celiac or non-celiac) & I’m like, nope, that’s not me. Like I’m not foggy headed or bloated or suffering from abdominal cramps or anything other than “intestinal distress”. Yeah I’m tired & wrung out but that’s just a result of the major symptom. My headache I’m sure is from medicine.

Posted on Facebook January 28, 2015

• Spoke with my gastroenterologist. My CT scan looked good, just some minor inflammation. He believes I have post-infectious IBS. We're adjusting my medicine & seeing how it goes.

Posted on Tumblr February 18, 2015

• Every time I speak with a doctor’s office lately about my GI issues I burst into tears & sob like crazy as soon as I’ve hung up the phone. I’m so wrung out, emotionally & physically. This whole experience is exhausting. I’ve been exhausted for three months now.
• I’m trying to see a different doctor to get a second opinion that’s more than “it *might* be post-infectious IBS” & one that will hopefully be help to if not cure this then at least make it livable. 
• I’m just so miserable lately & depression is getting harder to keep at bay.

Posted on Tumblr February 25, 2015

• Going to see a new gastroenterologist. Freaking out. Part of me hopes for a more decisive diagnosis & action plan, but the rest of me is very discouraged by all that is gone on so far. Plus I’m sliding down the slope towards depression living with this illness. My doc just upped my meds to stave it off.

Posted on Tumblr & Facebook March 9, 2015

Mini health rant Because this is my life now

• While I know it’s a good thing that my test results keep coming back normal or not showing major problems, it doesn’t change the fact that I’m incredibly ill & losing my mind due to it. I just want to get better. I hate this. I wouldn’t wish this IBS bullshit on my worst enemies.
• My endoscopy results all came back normal showing only minor chronic inflammation similar to my colonoscopy & CT scan. I don’t want to find out something is seriously wrong with me but I do want to find out what the fuck is actually wrong with me.

Posted on Facebook April 15, 2015

• Thank you health insurance system for not letting me get med I need because it's less than 30 days since last time it was filled. #bullshit

Posted on Facebook April 25, 2015

• Got a stomach bug or something. Feel like I've been run over by a car. Looks like I'm not getting any chores done today.

Posted on Tumblr April 28, 2015

Health rant (from me? I know… shocking) TMI alert

• I had a nasty stomach bug this weekend. Vomiting, mostly diarrhea - shaky, achy, the works. 
• I have NO idea what caused it. My husband & I ate all the same foods. My car was in the shop so I was housebound for 2 days prior to the onset of the illness. I ate toast, crackers, ginger ale & vitamin water all weekend. Then I added applesauce & jello towards Sunday evening. No I am not pregnant. 
• It lasted all weekend & while I was shaky & weak as a kitten Monday, it seems to have passed.
• The weird thing was that I also had a racing, pounding heart & felt like I couldn’t breathe (weight on my chest) - which I usually get during my panic attacks. 
• Could this have been a different sort of panic attack? I have no clue otherwise how I got sick. I’ve never had a panic attack like that. Ever. I’ve never gotten physically sick due to stress before. The added stressor in my life are a couple of big unexpected bills & my appt on Wednesday with my GI doc (IBS?? since November).

Posted on Tumblr June 4, 2015

• Ever since I’ve been suffering from IBS, sometimes I get really resentful when I get hungry. Like, “are you fucking kidding me? Why put food in there when it’s just going to shoot right out the other end? Am I even getting any nutrients? What is the point of this shit?!”
• I mean, I eat anyway, because I’ve never been a person that can just not eat or skip meals willy nilly - my blood sugar drops or my blood pressure drops. Shit drops & then I fall down. So I eat regularly. I just resent the need for it since I’ve been ill.

Posted on Tumblr June 27, 2015

EPIC TMI ALERT

• I’m so fucking tired of living on the goddamn toilet. How can someone have so much shit in them? I’m literally full of shit!
• Stupid fucking IBS!