I'm really going stir crazy with this IBS bullshit.
I had a nice weekend, going to BBQs on Saturday & Sunday, & then paid for it by having "intestinal distress" (I'm trying to be gracious & ladylike here, we all know what I'm talking about) for two & a half days. My butt can't handle going 10+ times a day. It's not natural!
On top of that, or more accurately because of that, or causing that ... I don't even know anymore ... my anxiety has been through the roof this past month or so.
Maybe that's a reaction to having been on pain meds for like a month & half dealing with a failed root canal & then the complications that resulted from a difficult tooth extraction.
Maybe it's just my unusual weird seasonal affective disorder. I've never been diagnosed with it (I just call it that), since I seem to get it in August. Why? Who knows?! Maybe it goes back to the trauma of leaving my high school friends to go to college, maybe it's just my body reacts to the heat by spiraling into anxiety. All I know is every year around August I get in a funk.
Whatever, anyway, I've tried reaching out to my friends, only to realize, now that I'm older I don't have that many friends. Sure I have a large number of people I'm friendly with or I have a shared history with, but real close friends on whom I feel comfortable unloading (& who still live in my area as many friends have moved), I have maybe three. THREE!! Not including my husband. He's his own special category. And guess what? They are busy because they have jobs &/or kids & their own lives & I'm just sitting here at home slowly (or not so slowly) going crazy.
I've taken steps to deal with my isolation. I joined meetup.com & have joined a few groups in my area, in the hopes to meet new people that have shared interests. I'm not even necessarily looking for new friends (though I don't turn away new friends), I'm just looking for a place I can go once a month or so & talk to other people.
I'm also looking for work that is either extremely part time with constant bathroom access (can I put that in the cover letter?) or work at home opportunities (that aren't total scams). I'm also forcing myself to get back into audio engineering (as that was a costly failed experiment & I already feel like a disappointment & a failure regularly without seeing ProTools on my computer or my textbook on the shelf). I'm going to try to push myself in that regard. I need to, it's a huge issue between Pat & I that I got that certificate & then did nothing with it & just thinking about trying AE again makes my breath strained & shallow but I must prevail.
What sucks is that people think I'm smart (not a brag, people have said that to me) but when I hear that, my inner voice says, yes but not as smart as X or [vague generalities] are smarter. (That's the sucky part not that I'm smart)
I should (& I hate that word because it's a judgment word & I don't need help judging myself & coming up lacking) be smart enough to do what I put my mind to. It's just really hard for me to get out of my mind's way, if that makes any sense at all.
/end rant.
Hey!
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to let you know that I feel your pain! Love my life and not sorry for decisions I've made, but I do miss having friends. And I think that not having people (SO's aside) to share thoughts/feelings/neurosis with really feeds into that whole self-judgement thing. Anyway, I too, have moved away from anyone I was close with, so reading this really resonated with me & I wanted to let you know.
Also, I know we don't keep in close touch, but I do remember you as being smart, self-assured, resourceful, independent & a great friend. I have always admired those things in you & looked up to you. Those characteristics might go into hiding at times, but they are in your make up, so they always have & always will be there! Try not to be too down on yourself when you need a break from being just so awesome for a little while ;)
Ok, this made me tear up. Thank you so much. Wanna get together for a meal or drinks soon? I as you know have nothing but time. :-) I can meet you someplace.
Delete